Twelve Step Reflections

Never Too Big! – Step 3

October 18, 2008 by Nannette Wiggins Leave a Comment

I listened from the kitchen sink as my daughter in law (three months into the journey that brings and new life into the world) hefted her three year old up the stairs. As they came closer to the top I heard Diana say in her gentle, morning, mommy voice, “Sammy, you’re just getting too big for mommy to carry you up the stairs!”

“Too Big!” Sammy repeated with a grin. Being told she’s growing “too big” to be carried sounds a lot like being told she is growing up. That idea really appeals to Sammy.

Someday Sammy will discover the truth that growing up doesn’t mean she will never need to be carried. There is One whose arms we never outgrow. She will never become so mature, so smart, and so sufficient that she can carry herself. In fact, the most grown up people among us are those who understand their great, unmistakable need to be carried along by God.

This truth about our need hangs in balance with the marvelous truth that He will never grow too feeble for the work of carrying. Unlike the wearying arms of our earthly parents our load will never outweigh His capacity. He arms are exactly suited to the weight of our burden.

Isaiah 46:4 “And even to your old age I am he; and even to hoar [gray] hairs will I carry you: I have made, and I will bear; even I will carry, and will deliver you.”

By Nannette W.
Posted Saturday, October 18, 2008

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Our Kids are Paying Attention To Where We Place Our Attention – Carrying the Message to Our Children

October 17, 2008 by Nannette Wiggins Leave a Comment

In the early years I held back from openly announcing to the world or my family that I was involved in a recovery program and that I was applying the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous to my lifetime struggle with food. My children knew I had started attending a Sunday night meeting, but Latter-day Saint moms go to lots of meetings. I decided not to put the “AA Big Book” on the back of the toilet. Someone might get the wrong idea. I read and studied. I wrote. I attended meetings. I phoned supportive friends. But I didn’t campaign.

One evening I waited up for my teenage daughter Jen. She was usually late. Just about the time my concern was about to turn to worry she came into the house and into my room. “Mom, I’m so sorry I’m so late but I have a friend who is having an awful time, I stayed after rehearsal and talked to her in the parking lot. Her parents are getting divorced. She’s having a terrible time. She’s so confused. I didn’t know what to say to her so I thought, ‘what would my mom say to her?’ and it came to me to tell her that she is not to blame and that she can turn her fears and worries and her parents over to the care of the Lord and that He will bless her to get through this.” Did my daughter just say she advised a friend do turn her fears and worries over to the Lord? I had no idea she had been paying attention.

Our children are very observant. They watch our behavior when trials come. They listen to the advice we give to others while we’re standing at the kitchen sink talking on the phone. They see where we run for comfort. When we live these 12 Christ Centered Steps in front of our children we are giving them a great gift, the example of a way of life, a way of coping with all of life. The things they observe in us can serve them and bless the ones they serve. They may be quick or slow to apply these principles to their own lives, but they are paying attention to where we place out attention.

By Nannette W.
Posted Friday, October 17, 2008

Potty Training, Some Far Reaching Implications – Step 2

October 16, 2008 by Nannette Wiggins 1 Comment

One of my very first recovery instructive experiences was in connection with potty training of my last child, a little boy (I’ll respect his anonymity on this one). This subject may be a little on the edge but it was so enlightening I can’t help sharing it. One day in the middle of the potty training process, the week that all mothers dread, I went to find my little friend. I found him hiding behind a chair. He had obviously had “an accident,” if you know what I mean, and was in grave need of assistance. Upon being discovered he looked up at me and said, “You don’t like me!”

I immediately thought about my own grave need for assistance in so many areas of life. I imagined myself, hiding out, hoping not to be discovered. I imagined the Lord searching for me, and the terror of having Him actually find me. Then I pictured myself looking up into His eyes and saying in all sincerity, “You don’t like me!”

As the moment with my son and the moment with my Lord intersected, I knew that the Lord’s feelings for me were just a tender as my feelings for my little boy. I knew that He was only interested in helping me, teaching me, training me, and that he would do it in the most loving way possible. I realized that to feel otherwise and to run away and hide from Him would only delay my progress. I understood for the first time that imagining that He didn’t like me, because I wasn’t “trained,” was not any kind of humility. It was a belief in a lie, perhaps the greatest lie that can be told! It is a lie that has the power to delay His ability to bless my life indefinitely.

The point was driven home several days later. My little guy and I continued working on the goal at hand. One afternoon it looked as though history was going to repeat itself. I called out to my little buddy who had suddenly disappeared. I followed my nose (if you know what I mean). It was the same little boy, same mother, same chair, and same need for a major clean up. But this time was different. Upon being discovered new words flowed out of his innocent little mouth. The words were a stunning to me. The words were, “I don’t like you!”

“I can’t believe you just said that!” My mind was a million miles away from potty training. My little boy was demonstrating to me the exact process so many of us go through, the destructive actions that correspond with these thoughts, “I am imperfect! My life is a mess! My need for change is obvious! I need help but I’m embarrassed! I’m a big disappointment to God! I will run away from my Helper, my Savior! I’m sure He doesn’t like me! I don’t think I like him very much either.”

Finally we become desperate for help. We see no other solution than to finally come out from behind the chair, out from hiding, no matter how mortifying our condition is, no matter how bad we think we smell, and turn to God for help. Recovery begins when we are finally willing to experiment with the notion that “He likes us!” Living in recovery for the rest of our lives is made possible because over time we realize that “we like Him; we love Him!”

By Nannette W.
Posted Thursday, October 16, 2008

“Sorry, Right Number, But Eliza Isn’t Taking Any Calls!” – Step 11

October 14, 2008 by Nannette Wiggins Leave a Comment

When Eliza two years old and starting to express herself quite clearly with words her parents left her with me for several nights and went out of town. She obviously missed them. She asked about them. She looked out the big front window hoping to see them coming up the walk, and at times she even cried for them. One evening, just as I was getting ready to tuck Eliza into bed they called to see how things were going. I told them Eliza definitely missed them, but we were getting along quite well. At the tail end of our conversation they asked to talk to their first-born little girl. I went to where she was playing in the house and said with grandmotherly excitement, “Eliza, come here, mommy and daddy are on the phone and they want to talk to you!” To my total surprise and Eliza refused to come to the phone. She continued to play as if she had absolutely not interest in talking to her very home sick parents. Maybe she didn’t understand. “Look Eliza,” I said holding the phone up to her disinclined ear. “It’s your mommy. She wants to talk to you!” No response! So, I took another approach. “Eliza, your mommy and daddy miss you so much. They really want to say hi to you. Please talk to them. Say Hi mommy!” But Eliza held firm. Her non- response turned to a frown and a “No!” Not one word escaped her little pink lips. “Sorry Jen,” I said, feeling a little embarrassed and empathizing with my daughter, so far away from her baby. “ She won’t talk. I think she’s a little angry and she’s showing it.”

That day my heart went out to this loving, very confused, and relatively new mother. My heart also went out to my Heavenly Father. I saw the parallel between Eliza’s behavior towards her earthly parents and my own behavior toward those Heavenly Parents who have actually allowed and encouraged me to leave home for a long awaited, apparently well deserved, and very necessary time away. I wondered about the times I have refused to speak to Them even though I so obviously miss them. Maybe I’m a little like Eliza, angry about the whole separation idea and showing it. Even though, according to scripture, I know I agreed to it, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

This morning I told my now much older, much wiser Granddaughter Eliza that I was writing about her today. I rehearsed the above story. She laughed. Then I asked her, “Eliza, if you were in the same position today and your parents called to say hi and to see how you were doing, would you refuse to talk to them?”

“Of course not!” she giggled.

“Why?” I questioned.

“Well, I would know that they are my parents, and that they really need me to talk now, because they only have so many minutes on their cell phone.”

“OK, anything else?” She thought a minute.

“I would know that they are going to come back…I know that everyone needs a little break every once in a while, and…Oh ya…I love them!”

Eliza has learned some important things in regard to her parents since her first solo experience. These things make her not only willing but excited to get a call from mom and dad. Eliza and I decided that four words sum up the feelings she has developed. Respect, Trust, Understanding, and Love.

It’s not so different with my willingness to communicate with my Heavenly Father. Step 11 is the step of seeking to improve our communication with the Lord. There’s a reason it’s Step 11 and not Step 1. Eliza’s respect, trust, understanding, and love for her parents were not automatic. It was not “a given.” These things took time and experience to develop. Likewise it takes time and experience for us to grow in our respect, trust, understanding, and love of God. This earth life experience provides the time. Applying Steps 1-10 provides the experience. If we make good use of our time and are thorough in taking the first 10 Steps we will not have to be persuaded or begged to take a call from God. We will actively listen for His call to us! The best news is that our communication with Our Heavenly Parent will never be cut short because He is running low on cell phone minutes!

By Nannette W.
Posted Tuesday, October 14, 2008

“Mom, Can I Have An Otter? – Please!” – 12 Step Work

October 13, 2008 by Nannette Wiggins Leave a Comment

Last summer my brother and his wife took their four children to Sea Word. There was a situation during their vacation that I am sure is long forgotten that I will never forget. As related by my sister in law…”the whole family had just enjoyed the show put on by the Otters. Apparently the Otters did a pretty impressive job. They definitely captured one heart that day. My nephew Kyle, age five, was so taken with the little creatures that as they exited the arena he expressed to his mother, in no uncertain terms, his desire to HAVE an Otter. He was not interested in the stuffed kind in the gift shop either. He wanted the living, frolicking kind and he was serious! There were tears and lots of pleading. Finally my sister in law asked her young son. “Kyle, what would we have to do to have a otter?” She fully expected him to come to his five year old senses and consider the gargantuan effort it would take to provide food and an appropriate oceanic environment for an otter at their condo in the suburbs. But that’s not where Kyle’s mind went. His answer to the question, “Kyle, what would we have to do to have a otter?” was simply, “Say please?”

We all had a good laugh. We teach children that “please” is the magic word that unlocks so many doors, so why not this one. This little interchange took my mind to one of the great misunderstandings about the recovery, healing, and change that result from applying the 12 Steps. The first step is to become honest and admit that we of ourselves “are powerless and that [our] live[s] have become unmanageable.” The second is to “come to believe that the power of God can restore [us] to complete spiritual health.” So, first we become honest about our need and second we become serious about experimenting with the belief that God can help us. Some people quit reading through the steps right there, never exploring steps 3-12. They assume that this is a program where those participating sit around and wait for God to change them, for God to do all the work.

Nothing could be further from the truth. We often refer to applying these gospel principles in our lives as “recovery work.” And “work” it is! It’s true that it’s a different kind of effort than we’ve made in the past, the effort that didn’t yield lasting results. It’s true that the outer signs of progress might not be immediately visible, because we work on an inner change that eventually shows on the outside. And finally, it’s true that we do not work alone. We work under the direction and with the power of God. Our work is made possible because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Divinely facilitated recovery, healing, and progress definitely require work. It’s not a matter of “Please Mom, can I have a Otter” and it’s definitely not a matter of “Please God, can I have recovery!”

By Nannette W.
Posted Monday, October 13, 2008