Twelve Step Reflections

Giving Up: Despair or Delight – Steps 1, 2, and 3

October 6, 2008 by Nannette Wiggins Leave a Comment

I often strive to the point of strife. This strife is always counterproductive. I never seem to be able to kick and scream my way to any kind of real and lasting progress. Math and especially science that involves math has always been a struggle for me. My high school chemistry teacher was my dad. Chemistry assignments presented a tremendous challenge for me. I spent the semester being in critical need of help from my very willing, very able chemistry professor father. I never did receive the help I needed even though my Dad received the honor of being a California Teachers of the Year. He was kind and loving and able, but because I was so sure I couldn’t be helped, I never allowed him to be my personal Teacher of the Year. I spent my chemistry season in such a frenzy that I was incapable of being taught. I simply gave up.

Of course I didn’t recognize the nature of my problem until I had my children of my own who were sometimes just like me. At times they too would become so frustrated over this or that assignment, so sure they couldn’t accomplish a task, and positive that any help from me, the parent, was of no value.

Heavenly Father’s batting average is no better than my dad’s or mine when it comes to helping His kids who are convinced they are on there own. In the 12 Steps and most specifically in steps 1, 2, and 3 we learn that, “giving up” is not only necessary, but also essential to recovery and healing. How can this be?

“Giving up” has two definitions. One meaning is to lose all hope, with synonyms like despair and despond. Another meaning is to surrender one’s control completely, with synonyms like relinquish, hand over, lay down, resign, and yield.

The first manner of “giving up” (loss of hope that brings despair) is what I did in regard to chemistry and at times experienced with my own children. This kind of giving up contributes to today’s wide spread problem of depression. Depression often results from feeling we know our potential, trying to reach it, and coming face to face with our own weakness and inability to measure up. We kick and scream at ourselves, others, our surroundings, and even God and His laws. We become disillusioned with our stab at perfection. We give up all together, overwhelmed with anger, self-pity and discouragement. God is not able to help us and neither can anyone else!

The second manner of “giving up” corresponds with the ability to live in recovery, to heal and to make lasting progress. When we “give up” by surrendering and turning the part of the task we are struggling with over to God, He is able to extend grace(enabling power) in our behalf.

Today, as I face the inevitable temptation to “give up” on one God given task or another I get to choose the brand of “giving up” I want to live with. I can do my best, giving up my desire to do it myself. I can receive the help and the knowledge I need to move forward from a loving Father. It is a choice. I can choose to give up in despair or I can give up and experience what Nephi felt when He said, “yea my soul delighteth in His grace.”

By Nannette W.
Posted Monday, October 6, 2008

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Labor and Delivery, The Picture of Grace – All Steps

October 5, 2008 by Nannette Wiggins Leave a Comment

In bringing forth my first child my most vivid memory is of laboring until I was completely spent. Finally the doctor, with only a baby’s face in view said, “It’s too pretty to be a boy.” Even at this joyous moment I was filled with despair. I started to cry and told the Dr. and my husband that I was totally incapable of pushing the rest of her out. In my exhausted, uneducated, frightened mind I could not imagine where I would get the strength to push the rest of the baby through the birth canal. I multiplied the amount of pain and work I had given to see her little face by the length of her entire body. I knew I was spent and was filled with despair. Everyone in the room had a good laugh at my first time mother naivety. The doctor asked me to push one more time and she slid right out. The joy and relief that came were overwhelming. I had given all I had to the task at hand and had been required to give no more. This event symbolizes the feelings of joy and gratitude a moments grace can bring.

Grace is God’s enabling power that helps us do something or continue doing something good we would not be able to do on our own. It is available to us because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. A good earthly parent encourages and allows a child to do all that he or she can but is always willing to step in and assist when a task lies outside the child’s range of experience. So it is with God as he parents me. He is the consummate Good Parent. He is totally aware of my potential, but He also understands exactly what I am capable of right now. His grace is sufficient for all of us, in all aspects of living. We humbly put our hand to the work He has asked us to do. As the burdens of life begin to break our backs, we abandon any pride or self-will and call out to Him. As we lean on Him, He lifts our load and make our burdens lighter and easier to bear. Our relationship with the Lord is born, and fueled, and sustained as we place our weary selves in His loving strong hands. It’s all about Labor and Delivery!

By Nannette W.
Posted Sunday, October 5, 2008

Got the General Conference Is Over Blues? Cheer Up! The Feast Is Going to Continue – Step 11

October 4, 2008 by Nannette Wiggins Leave a Comment

In the Spirit of our belief in continuing revelation, our family has always listened to conference with one ear cocked for something new. My kids use to ask, “Mom, do you think the Prophet is going to announce something exciting? If he does won’t it be in the Sunday afternoon session of conference?” We’d glue ourselves to the TV, listening to his final remarks, hoping for NEW direction, NEW motivation, and NEW instructions from the Lord, through the Prophet, to us.

When I was young, my concept of the blessing of continuing revelation rested firmly on and was mostly limited to what we were blessed with, as a people, every six months through a living Prophet. I have come to know that this view of God’s desire and ability to communicate with me was only half the picture, and it actually diminished the power the Conference messages might have in my own Post-Conference progression.

Step 11 challenges me to daily, “Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord’s will and to have the power to carry it out.” I don’t want to put God in a Conference sized box. I want Him to be alive and instructive and powerful everyday and in the way He sees best for me as an individual child. The testimony of continual revelation need not lay dormant, waiting for General Conference to role around again in six months. It can be strengthened every time I study the words delivered in Conference by Latter-day Prophets, and then take President Benson’s challenge to continually ask, “Lord, what would Thou have me to do?” What would Thou have me do about Thy message through Elder Bednar, Elder Packer, and President Monson etc?

In order for General Conference to become specific to me, the revelation can’t end with “God Be With You Til’ We Meet Again” and the final “Amen.” The messages delivered at Conference are meant to be the beginning. They are the Lord’s topic sentences, meant to initiate six months of Spirit facilitated personal direction, instruction, motivation, and change. For revelation to be truly continuous the teachings of the Prophets must enter my heart, and then I must seek further revelation, further personal understanding, and greater detail pertaining to me and my individual situation.

I grew up in California with a Utah born and raised mother. Twice a year as General Conference ended she would cry. Oh how did she hate the feast to end! But when the last “Amen” is said, I say, “Let’s all rejoice!” The same Spirit who brings to us the words of Christ during General Conference is alive and well and will continue to guide and instruct and change us. Even after we push the power button on the remote and the TV turns off we can allow the Revelator to continue in us.

By Nannette W.
Posted Saturday, October 3, 2008

“If They Can Do It, So Can I!” – The Only Requirement

October 2, 2008 by Nannette Wiggins Leave a Comment

I’m so sorry to take you back to Disneyland this morning but I woke up with a 12 Step Reflection in my head and when that happens I try to pay attention. I was dreaming that I was being encouraged by my kids and grand kids to get onto a reportedly scary ride in the park. I must admit that “California Screaming,” to this date, is a bit of undone business for me. Anyway, I don’t know exactly what ride it was, but they tried to persuade me by telling me two things.

First, they brought up the fact that I definitely met the height requirement. If it’s been a long time since you visited a theme park I remind you of the stationary ruler at the entrance of all potentially terrifying rides. You can wait in line all you want, but when riders of questionable size make their way up to the front of the line, to the smiling, “Have a fun ride!” park employee, under the ruler they go to see if they meet the four foot prerequisite. If they do there is always a moment of glee. If they don’t, sometimes there are tears and the whole family has to reorganize so the “still too short” youngling can be properly cared for on the ground while the rest of the family goes flying.

Second, they tried to persuade me by bringing up the fact that Carson and Sammy and Ethan, the “little kids,” had already been brave enough to go on this particular ride and had in fact survived.

When it comes to embarking on the ride that leads to recovery and healing from addiction or from any of life’s struggles, there is also a ruler at the onset of the adventure. It does not measure our height or our age. We, in fact are never too young and never too old to apply the 12 Steps to our lives. It does not measure the supposed “seriousness” of our need. There is, in fact nothing too little and nothing too big to be taken through this Gospel, Christ centered process. So if age and stage aren’t on the measuring sticks, what are the criteria for getting on board?

There are three necessary elements. The first is the desire to change. “If your desire is small and inconsistent today, don’t worry. It will grow” (Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing, 1, see side bar).

The second necessity is the ability to be honest. Living in recovery requires absolute honesty. Though this is a critical matter, as our desire grows and we give ourselves to study and participation with others who are applying these principles to their lives our capacity to be honest also grows.

Finally, living in recovery requires courage, the courage to do hard things, and sometimes the courage to stand-alone. As I participate with men and women from all walks of life struggling with every possible verity of need to be healed through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, my courage to not only get on board but stay on board increases daily. It’s not any more complicated than the courage required when my Disneyland ride buddies encourage me by saying, “Mom” or “Grandma, if I did it so can you!”

If I make my way to the front of the “Space Mountain” ride line and find myself coming up short, I have no alternative but to come back in a year and try again. The miracle of a height increase over a three-day stay is improbable. The matter will have to be left to nature. The sad thing is that this is exactly how many of us have handled things when we’ve come up lacking the desire, honesty, and courage necessary for recovery and healing.

Now when it comes to missing the mark for “California Screaming” (due to lack of desire and courage) for yet another year, I can live with that. But I do not have to leave to nature my ability to meet the Lord’s requirements for recovery and healing. I have to continually remind myself that the good news about the Lords conditions, His yardstick, is that He has the power to actually grow my desire, honesty and courage. Through Him I can rise to the mark in miracle time.

So back to my dream and the encouragement of my family to do something I think will be frightening at the least and very possibly give me a heart attack at the worst, I encourage all to ask the Lord for what is necessary, to walk through the gate of recovery, sit down, buckle up, look at the variety of folks participating right along with you and enjoy the ride!

By Nannette W.
Posted Thursday, October 2, 2008

Gratitude, It’s Still All About Me

October 1, 2008 by Nannette Wiggins 1 Comment

On a particularity busy day, full of housework and homework I sat (finally) and began contemplating the subject of my children’s gratitude (or the lack of it). It suddenly dawned on me that I didn’t long for my children’s “Thanks so much Mom! You’re the best!” What I really desired was that they be thankful children; that they develop the ability to see my love for them, my patience with them, my sacrifice for them, not to fill some void within me, but for their own growth.

Seeing this truth in regard to my children and me has helped me apply it to my relationship with God.

I used to see the commandment to give thanks in all things as just one more requirement, something God needed me to do for Him. God does not need my thanks to fill His cup. He loves me and wants me to be a thankful child, not for Him, but for me.

The command to be grateful is an invitation to be aware – to be awake and alive to God’s gifts, to His precious grace. No, gratitude is not just one more item to add to our list of “do’s.” It is a way of validating the living presence of God in our lives. The command to be grateful is all about my progress, not about God’s need for validation.

By Nannette W.
Posted Wednesday, October 1, 2008