Twelve Step Reflections

Listening at the Kitchen Sink – The Power of Joyful Persistence – Step 12 Carrying the Message

October 27, 2008 by Nannette Wiggins 1 Comment

One late afternoon after a busy day of mothering, I stood in the kitchen in a bit of a stupor. I was weary and completely blank about what to invent for dinner. Above my kitchen sink is a large window size opening into the family room. I stood pondering how a person (such as myself) could work so hard all day long and not have a plan for dinner. As I mulled over the possibilities I overheard a conversation going on, just through the window, between my four-year-old Kendra and a neighborhood friend. This little bit of writing expresses what I heard and how I felt:

Listening at the Kitchen Sink

“I’ll be the Mom!”
“No, I’ll be the Mom!
“It’s my house!”
“I’m leaving!”
“You can be the mom next time!”
“You always get to be the Mom!”

Listening at the kitchen sink
Exhausted
Emptying the dishwasher, the darks to fold,
Five o’clock frozen hamburger,
And on and on-

I smile and hum and pray
That they will not lose their passion
For “Being the Mom”
On my account.

It’s been twenty-two years since this scene was captured in my notebook. Kendra’s all grown up now, with three little children of her own. I know there were other days when my joy in motherhood was not exactly exemplary. I’m sure my daughters did not always look on thinking, “Look how happy mom is. Boy, this is sure what I want to do when I grow up.” But Kendra, along with each of my daughters, seems to have quite an affinity for being “the mom” in spite of my imperfection. This gives me a lot of hope. It means that trying counted. It means that I didn’t have to be perfect. It means that children are capable of seeing a bigger picture, the balance between trying and trials and happiness. It means that a parent’s diligence in making little daily repentant course corrections ultimately sends out the message that yes, parenting is hard, but it is also very rewarding and a source of great joy.

I think the word “joy” and not “perfection” is the key word when it comes to passing along passion for various aspects of life to the next generation. Along with her love of motherhood and the whole “at home” life style my own mother imperfectly passed on to me her love of the gospel, the Church, attending the temple, learning something new, finding a sale, a good visit, road trips and singing harmony to old girl scout songs, teaching, classical voice, geology, a clean house, of serving. These were not areas where she was perfect, but they were aspects of her life where we as children saw genuine joy as she participated.

My mother did not pass to me a love for sewing. She did a lot of sewing. She sewed and sewed for my sister and me. She was good at sewing. But she didn’t like to sew. She was not a happy humming seamstress. Funny that word ends with the word “stress,” because that’s what I remember about my mother sitting at the sewing machine – stress! Sewing was no source of joy for her and I knew it!

There are fruits of my mother’s joyless diligence in my own life. Although she taught me to sew, I own the most underused Bernina in the history of sewing machines. In fact, mom and I have decided that if God wants to punish the two of us for bad behavior in this life, He will probably consign us to sewing angel apparel in the next.

Many of us are very busy with good activities. We are dutiful, hard workers, but for one reason or another we don’t love it. It does not bring us joy. Then, at the end of the day, we wish our children would follow our “dutiful, hard working” path. What we find though is that sometimes the things we do and don’t enjoy, our children decide not to do at all. We pass on what we love. We pass on what gives us joy.

So what’s the message here? When it comes to sewing, gourmet food prep, jogging, hunting, golfing, scrap booking, or the million other aspects and hobbies life offers, it probably doesn’t matter at all exactly what we find joy in and pass on to the kids. For me there is only one facet of life where it is absolutely critical to live in joy and pass it on. What I hope to pass on is my passion for the Father’s plan, and the joy that comes from being a disciple of Jesus Christ and helping to build His kingdom. Is the restored gospel of Jesus Christ the source of joy in my life?

The Prophet Enos has the great blessing of being able to think back and remember “the words which [he] had often heard [his] father speak concerning eternal life, and the joy of the saints” (Enos 1:3). The joy of the Saints! Is that what my children are going to remember when they remember me? I hope so! During their childhood I experienced days and hours and moments of “stressed out” service to them and to the Church, service that was not always filled with joy in or because of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I was nearly forty before I began to have eyes for the every day, very personal blessings of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I was nearly forty before I felt the unmistakable love of the Lord for me. I learn more every day, but I’m imperfect at the application of the truth. My joy in the gospel is a work in progress. The 12 Steps have been a tremendous help. Every day I am learning how to apply the gospel in ways that bring me greater and greater joy. .

In 1979, President Spencer W. Kimball addressed the women of the Church in the worldwide Women’s Fireside Address. He prophesied that, “the good women of the world will be drawn to the Church in large numbers. This will happen to the degree that the women of the Church reflect righteousness and articulateness in their lives and to the degree that the women of the Church are seen as distinct and different — in happy ways — from the women of the world.”

Influence for good because we live the gospel in “happy ways!” Joy, will make the difference! It’s a tall order. It’s something I want to pass on to my daughters and granddaughters. My experience as a mother and with my own mother gives me great hope. What counts is not perfection but joyful persistence in partaking of the blessings of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. One mother at a time, and over time, we will become this army of women who are “distinct and different — in happy ways — from the women of the world.” It won’t be because we live the gospel perfectly. It will be because we live it happily!

By Nannette W.
Posted Monday, October 27, 2008

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We Share Our Experience, Strength, and Hope – Practice in Telling the Truth

October 24, 2008 by Nannette Wiggins Leave a Comment

Have I told you I love the scriptures? I get so excited when I read about a principle in the word of God and then hear or see the same principle somewhere in my everyday life. I’m equally trilled when I experience something that feels so right, so true, so of God in daily life and then discover the same principle in the scriptures, expressed in Lord’s words.

During the sharing portion of a recovery meeting we are encouraged to share our “experience, strength, and hope.” I have heard this phrase hundreds of times now. One day as I was studying the scriptures I came across the following verse:

“And truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come;” (D & C 93:24).

This is the perfect description of what we share in meetings. We share “things as they were” or “our experience.” We share “things as they are” today or “our strength”- the strength we have received to make personal changes as a result of the blessings of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Finally we share things “as they are to come” or “our hope”, the things we are working on and our hope for the future based on the miracles in our present life. The Lord defines “things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come” as the “truth.”

One of the hallmarks of addictive behavior is difficulty in knowing and telling the truth. As we share our experience strength and hope with each other we are developing the capacity to know the truth, to tell the truth, and to live the truth. The result is the fulfillment of the Lord’s great promise, “and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:32).

By Nannette W.
Posted Friday, October 24, 2008

Who’s Teaching Who? – You Don’t Have to be Tall to Carry the Message

October 23, 2008 by Nannette Wiggins 1 Comment

In resent years the Prophet has encouraged parents to teach their children about testimonies and then give them experience sharing their budding witness at home with their family. The hope is that ultimately children will be better prepared to stand in church and testify without the aid of parents or an older sibling.

Standing as a witness of God comes very naturally to Madeline. Now age five, she has taken the solo trip down the isle, to the pulpit many times. She was only three years old the first time she made it clear to her parents that she had some thoughts she wanted to share with the congregation. There was no need for her daddy to accompany her, push the blond curls away from her little ear and whisper ideas to prompt her sharing. She stood alone (did I mention she was three): “I’d like to bear my testimony. I love my Jesus. I love my mom and dad. Jesus loves me. The Holy Spirit loves me and I love Him.” And finally, prompted by a resent family lesson, “It’s important for us to know about our bodies and take care of them.” The only coxing from dad was “Maddie, it’s time to say Amen.”

Afterwards, there were comments from ward members about her age and her sincerity. There were lots of questions about what Kendra and Nate had done at home to somehow prepare this child, and requests to send kids over for a few lessons in testimony bearing. The greatest wonder of the event was that Maddie’s parents had not really gone to great lengths. They were almost as surprised as the rest of the audience.

Madeline is not the only child exhibiting an unusual ability and willingness to stand and express her spiritual heart. I am amazed almost every month by the testimony of children. I wonder if these little “generals,” who have come straight from Heavenly ranks, were listening the day the memo was read challenging parents to raise the bar on tutoring their children to the point of independence. It’s almost like these little “last days” children understood the Lord’s intent and raised the bar on themselves.

Step 12 reads, “Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, share this message with others…” Sharing what the Lord has done for me is a very important part of maintaining what I have obtained. The willingness to share the miracle the Lord has performed in my own life is, in part, the natural result of applying Steps 1-11 and recognizing the hand of the Lord in my own progress. But Step 12 is not easy for me. It’s work. I have had to acknowledge that the desire, direction and courage to “carry the message” is a gift I have to seek. Step 12 is a step that must be taken. Just as I had to receive the Lord’s help in taking the previous 11 steps, I cannot take this step alone.

“I get the message Madeline! Next time I’m in a situation where there’s an opportunity to share my witness and my heart is pounding and I know there’s something I need to say I pray I can be like you; not concerned at all that you might be too short, too young, too inexperienced, or not grown up or eloquent enough.”

It doesn’t matter if you are Madeline or Nephi or Nannette, the most important thing to share is what Maddie was willing and able to share at age three, “I love my Jesus!” The great paradox is that I don’t need to be afraid, because Jesus will even help me say it!

By Nannette W.
Posted Thursday, October 23, 2008

“Heavenly Father, Please Bless Us To Get Done!”

October 22, 2008 by Nannette Wiggins 1 Comment

Our family room closet is the home of the toys that have been left behind by five children who have moved on in life and now have children of their own. The toys in this closet would not impress most of today’s kids. There is nothing electronic. A few toys in the closet included batteries the Christmas they came to live at our house. We weren’t very good about replacing them, especially if the toy was particularly annoying, so these potentially moving speaking playthings have been still and quiet for many years now. It’s easy to tell which decade in which these five children were raised. The Star Wars box only contains memories of the very first adventure ever told. The doll box has and a Strawberry Short Cake and a Blueberry Pie Man. There are baskets full of puzzles, many with a missing piece or two, that kept five children quiet and busy many a Conference Sunday in front of the TV. But, these old things seem to represent some kind of treasure to the “grands.” They must think the very idea that Grandma and Grandpa owned any toys is quite remarkable.

One of the premium toys in the closet is an old wooden box full of Legos. The box was actually built by a neighbor to store the collection of Legos from my childhood with five brothers. Now the box is clear full of Legos collected over 30 years of raising my own kids. There’s nothing special or thematic or up to date about this collection, but when the grandkids arrive, the Lego box is nearly always the first thing to come out. Before the children leave Grandma’s house the deal is that all the toys have to be put away. The big exception to the rule seems to be the ship seven-year-old Ethan has constructed out of Legos last year. After everything else is put away Ethan’s ship still sits on the counter. After he goes home I tuck it behind something so things look all tidied up.

Yesterday morning Ethan was spending time at our house. “I think I’ll work on my ship Grandma.”

“Ethan, I wondered the other day if your ship was done.”

“Oh no, Grandma! I don’t think it will ever be done,” he explained. “You can always change where a Lego goes to make the ship look better!”

Never be done! Now that’s a very gown up concept. It’s one I am still working on myself. It is a great challenge to see myself, and all the aspects of my life, as a work in progress. I have always put great stock in things being finished, over, caught up, complete, done! I tried to pass this bit of compulsion on to my kids too. I’m not too proud of that. When they were little, a prayer they often prayed was, “Heavenly Father, please bless us to get done today.” I have made some progress over the years. I think the first thing I accepted was that I was never going to finish the laundry or the dusting.

Many of us come to the 12 Steps of recovery hoping that we can work to a point of graduation, hoping that we can somehow be finished someday. If you ask anyone with years of experience, years of application, and years of sobriety if they are done, their response will be much like Ethan’s. “Oh no, Grandma! I don’t think it will ever be done. You can always change where a Lego goes to make the ship look better!” In the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book it speaks of progress being the goal, not perfection. Those living in recovery have accepted the truth that improvement can always be made. No one comes to the end. There is no finish line when it comes to applying these 12 gospel principles to our lives.

In my family room there is also a little cupboard with glass doors where we but “special stuff” like really old books that might be worth something or knickknacks collected on vacations. When Ethan left yesterday I put his ship on a shelf in the glass cupboard. I want to remember the message I got from Ethan about the importance of accepting the incomplete nature of things. I also want to remember the smile on his face and the excitement in his voice. He finds real joy in the fact that a little improvement can always be made. I like that. I want to feel like that too!

By Nannette W.
Posted Wednesday, October 22, 2008

“Shhh! Don’t Tell!” – Step 1, 2, 3

October 21, 2008 by Nannette Wiggins 2 Comments

If I had to sum up in one word the name of the miracle that people everywhere are experiencing because they’re applying the 12 Steps to their lives, the word would be “grace.” It is the fundamental doctrine that underlies the entire process of recovery. Grace is the enabling power available to all of us because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. As we come unto Christ we are able, through His grace, to maintain a good work we would not be able to maintain on our own (See Bible Dictionary). One day in the middle of my home school years and soon after starting to apply the 12 Steps to my own life I was wondering why as parents and leaders, we sometimes fail to teach our children the concept of “grace.”

This scenario came to my mind. The parents of a fifteen your old son give him the assignment to weed the entire farm or else! They know the assignment is impossible, and plan to go out after lunch with all the hired labor and spend the rest of the day helping to complete the job. Purposely, they keep their plan to help secret from their son. Suspicious and afraid that if he knows, he’ll take advantage of them and lazily do less that his best work, while waiting for them to show up and help, they keep their plan to themselves. They decide to tell him about their willingness to help later, after they’re sure that he has worked up to capacity, and after he’s done all that he can do. The important objective is that they get the most out of him. No one is going to pull the wool over their eyes. They choose to encourage good works through stressing fear and duty rather than inspiring the assigned child with hope of completing the work because of the love of generous understanding parents.

The message of the story was, “Nannette, sometimes parents and leaders fail to teach or emphasize grace because they think they need to manipulate the diligence of kids. They are anywhere on a scale of suspicious to terrified that if they teach children and youth about the loving willingness of the Lord to help, the these young Saints will not obey the scriptural mandate to do all he or she can do.

I don’t want to admit it, but I can relate to this situation. As a mother of five and having home schooled for over two decades I have given plenty of assignments to children. Brush your teeth, pull your weeds, practice the piano, work on your merit badges, vacuum, do your math, English, creative writing, science, penmanship, history, reading, spelling, say your prayers, clean the bird cage, clean the bathroom, write in your journal, fold the laundry, and you name it, I’ve assigned it.

Many of the assignments I made were too difficult for the children to do well without help from me. In our family school the rule was, “Go try! See what you can do on your own. Read the instructions. Do the best you can and then come to me and I’ll help you where you need assistance. When you’re finished with an assignment we’ll check your work and you can fix the things you missed.” The kids knew that I was willing to help anyone who was willing and teachable. It was a generally a pretty grace filled atmosphere.

I have to admit that sometimes a child would take advantage of my willingness to help. He or she would lazily hang around, get distracted by every little thing going on in the house and wait for me to pitch in and do their work myself. Another tactic was to whine, complain, and sometimes cry without even approaching a task, hoping that in frustration I might allow them to just give up on the assigned work all together. These were times when I wished I’d kept my willingness to help a big secret.

But the truth is that today’s children need to understand the role of the Savior in their every day lives and in connection to their every day problems. This great need completely outweighs any risk producing children who might take advantage of the Lord. I’m not sure it’s even possible! Heavenly Father’s children need to know about the divine help available to them. We cannot wait until they have turned to every counterfeit solution to problems the world has to offer. Many of these short-lived solutions become habits, compulsions and addictions. They may be a temporary “coping mechanism,” but they are spiritually damning and physically dangerous. Such addictions as drugs, alcohol, overeating, bulimia, anorexia, debt, sexual perversion or acting out hold those desperate for help in bondage and negatively affect generations of God’s children.

I don’t ever want to be afraid to tell others about God’s grace for fear that they will not do their part. When we understand the doctrine of grace, His enabling power, the blessing that His atonement can be to us at all times, in all things and in all places; we start to feel the hope and the courage necessary to get our feet wet, to make a start, to attempt, to begin something we think the Lord wants us to do. I want to teach my brothers and sisters to ask for, to live for, and to act upon the immediate direction, goodness, and power of God to provide the help they so desperately need. Understanding the concept of grace is highly motivating!

In 1 Corinthians 15:10 the Apostle Paul personally acknowledges that the blessing of grace in his life has only proved to spur him on to greater works. He says, “But by the grace of God I am what I am: and His grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain; but I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I but the grace of God which was in me.”

By Nannette W.
Posted Tuesday, October 21, 2008