Twelve Step Reflections

The Danger of Supposing – Step 3 and Step 11

November 17, 2008 by Nannette Wiggins Leave a Comment

One of the blessings of the Book of Mormon is the realness of the people. The descriptions of their feelings during challenging times are authentic and can be very instructive. One of my favorite women in scripture is our sister Sariah, the wife of the Prophet Lehi. My experience is certainly not her experience. She has been asked by the Lord, through her husband, to give up all she has, except her children, and a handful of necessities and head for the wilderness. Her supportive feelings turn to terror when her sons, who have gone on an errand for the Lord, fail to return home as planned. Though her experience is extreme, many of us can relate on some level to her willingness one minute, to surrender so much to the Lord, and another minute, being paralyzed with fear that she might have lost it all.

Her son Nephi describes the situation, as he finds it, as he and his brothers return home with their mission accomplished. “And it came to pass that after we had come down into the wilderness unto our father, behold, he was filled with joy, and also my mother, Sariah, was exceedingly glad, for she truly had mourned because of us. For she had supposed that we had perished in the wilderness; and she also had complained against my father, telling him that he was a visionary man; saying: Behold thou hast led us forth from the land of our inheritance, and my sons are no more, and we perish in the wilderness.” (1 Nephi 5:1)

There are probably many things to be learned from the description of Sariah’s crisis of faith. This is an insight that came to me as I studied using my dictionary as a tool for greater understanding

The first thing that came to mind as I read Sariah’s experience was a personal question. “What gets me into spiritual trouble? I don’t think there are wasted words in scripture. As I searched the verses of the story for some answer this phrase stood out to me, “For she had supposed…”

What does it mean to “suppose?” I wondered. I looked it up and here’s what I found:
To “suppose” is to assume to be true, to expect, to think probable, to view a plausible or likely, to draw an inference from slight or inadequate evidence, to take for granted especially on trivial or inadequate grounds, to assume, imagine, suspect, guess, conjecture, presume, surmise, pretend or speculate.(Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

The word “suppose” is such a seeming innocent little verb. Could it possibly be that our propensity for Godless “supposing” is the foundation for Godless fear, fear that leads us to whine, and complain, and sit down in the middle of the road of progress and eat a cake, or take a pill, or head for the mall.

Supposing is what I do out of fear. “Supposing” leads to uneducated worry, which leads to uneducated complaining, which leads to any number of uneducated choices. Today, instead of “supposing” in matters large and small I want to turn to my all- knowing Savior, Jesus Christ. Why should weary myself with “supposing” when I can turn to “The Truth!”

By Nannette W.
Posted Monday, November 17, 2008

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“It’s a Free Country!” Or Not – Abstinence

November 15, 2008 by Nannette Wiggins Leave a Comment

I can’t remember how young I was the first time I used the phrase, “It’s a free country” to justify something I had just done or something I wanted to do. My brother told me that when his son Jonathan, was just a little guy, he was next door playing with a friend. About dinnertime my brother walked to the neighbors to retrieve his three year old and bring him in for the night. He knocked. Jonathan and his little friend answered the door.

“It’s time to come home son, mom’s got dinner all ready,” said dad, hoping for a smooth transition.

Jonathan’s reply, “I don’t have to come home! It’s a free country! I can do anything I want!”

Later that night, my brother announced to Mister Independence that it was now time to take a bath. Once again Jonathan spoke his mind. With hands on his hips and with as much determination as he could exhibit, Jonathan reminded his dad that because of the kind of country we live in “free” he did not have to take a bath.

“I don’t have to take a bath. It’s a free country,” he said. And then, just to make his stance perfectly clear the little fellow who didn’t quite have the “th” sound mastered, added, “And when I turn four, it will be a four country!”

There seems to be a lot of confusion in the world, even among “big people” concerning the concept of freedom. This confusion is the root of so many of our world wide, national, and personal struggles, including the epidemic problem of addiction.

There are times when I am tempted to use the word “freedom” to justify my right to act out in some way that is unhealthy or destructive to me or to others. “I can eat this, do or not do that, say this, act like that…I’m free! It’s a free country! I usually don’t say it out loud. I allow it to run through my mind when the opportunity arises to take action, action that in the past, resulted in some kind of misery and a surprising loss of freedom.

Nephi tries to help us straighten out our confusion when he taught, “Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.” (2 Nephi 2:27)

In other words, I have God given freedom to choose. I can use that freedom to choose greater freedom, or I can use it to choose captivity; to choose to be less free in some area of my life. Let’s take the freedom to eat for example; when I exert my freedom by choosing to eat well, I receive greater freedom in the form of a health body, clear thinking, ease of movement, and a mind free of worry about the subject. But if I use the freedom to choose to justify poor eating I forfeit freedom. For the alcoholic/addict that loss of freedom comes in the form of “jails, institutions, or death.” Although no one will ever put me in jail for destructive eating, I understand the sorrow of making a prison out of my own body.

Living in recovery is helping me sort out my own confusion about this business of freedom. Today I practice catching myself mid thought, before I take destructive action. The truth is, I am free to eat, drink, and take whatever I want into my body. I’m free to do or not do, to speak or not speak, and to act according to my will because, like Jonathan said, it is in fact is “a free country!” But on my next birthday, based on my choices this year, it won’t be a “four country” It will be a place of greater or lesser personal freedom based on my choices today.

By Nannette W.
Posted Saturday, November 15, 2008

Likening ALL Scripture Unto Myself – It Takes Courage! – Scripture Study

November 14, 2008 by Nannette Wiggins Leave a Comment

One Sunday during the sacrament I prayed about what I might repent of. The answer that came to my mind was prompted directly by my Gospel Doctrine study that week. The prompting I received was that I needed to liken myself unto the “prayerless ponderers” I had just read about in 2 Nephi 32. What came to my mind was this. “Nannette, you are also guilty of too much pondering, mulling, frustrating over this and that and too little prayerful seeking of the words of Christ through the Holy Ghost to solve problems and answer your questions.” My conscience was pricked. I knew I had received truth. The Holy Ghost used ancient scripture and the sins of an ancient people to speak directly to me.

I the middle of the Gospel Doctrine lesson that followed, as the teacher rounded the corner to 2 Nephi 32, I raised my hand and shared the likening lesson I had experienced just moments before, during the Sacrament. The response was interesting. For the next 10 minutes, class members discussed the positive value of pondering. “Well, the Lord expects us to do some thinking on our own!” At last the teacher concluded and emphasized in no uncertain terms, “You know, these people Nephi was addressing were really really bad.” In other words, we couldn’t possibly liken ourselves to them.

I listened and made no further comment. I wondered though, how they might react, if they knew that in my study, I allow the Lord to teach me by likening my behavior unto a variety of scripturally imperfect mortals, like Laman, Jonah, faltering Sarah, etc. It’s worth it! It challenges! It helps me grow!

If I never see myself in the “bad guys” I will completely miss the remedy for redemption. And while I am busy patting myself on the back for not being “that bad,” those who recognize their “wickedness” are busy embracing the words of the prophets and the redemptive power of Jesus Christ for themselves. I fear for those of us who are “pretty good.” I fear that the “not that bad” will need the Savior “not that much.”

Like the little child who finds himself in trouble, we are not past playing the, “But he…” card, pointing out some greater sin in our brother or sister, ancient or modern. It makes us feel good as we place ourselves on the behavior scale and find that we score high on the chart in comparison. But what if in the end, it is not about a comparison based on behavior. What if it’s all about recognition of sin based on principles and learning to come unto Christ for redeeming power, no matter what the sin?

If a princess has only a pea-sized sin under her set of mattresses it’s still absolutely critical to recognize the thing and remove it. I think I can learn something about that process from what the prophets say to the princes and princesses attempting to rest on a foundation of boulders-sized sins.

Likening scripture is not about exact comparison. No human experience is the exact mirror of another. If that is what we are looking for we will miss some very important lessons. Here is a simple three-question method for likening all scripture unto ourselves and receiving all we can from the process:

1. What? – Prayerfully read the scripture story or account. Write about what happened, the details for story.
2. So What? – Prayerfully seek to understand and write about the principle involved.
3. What Now? – Be brave and allow the spirit to possibly convict you of your own weakness. Write about your experience. Then prayerfully receive and record the counsel you receive from the Holy Spirit and the scriptures.

I have been willing to study with an eye for my shortcomings in the light of greater understanding of the purpose of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. As a result of His sacrifice He has received power to change me, convert me, redeem me today. That is His work and His glory. It brings Him joy. My work is to recognize my weaknesses and bring them to the Lord. I do that by asking myself some pretty hard questions. The outcome is worth any uncomfortable recognition about myself. The outcome is relationship with the Redeemer and resulting changes in me.

We can learn from the strengths and weaknesses of Nephi or Lot, Peter or Laman, Judas or Joseph. Our Savior was willing to suffer for us all. Somehow I think that levels the playing field. We are Heaven’s family. We can ALL learn from each other as we practice likening ALL scripture unto ourselves.

By Nannette W.
Posted Friday, November 14, 2008

“Ya, But You Wanna Know What!?!?” – Step 8

November 13, 2008 by Nannette Wiggins 3 Comments

When a Grandma is the “honored guest” in the family van there is definitely a science to her placement. She is situated behind the son in law and diagonally behind her daughter for maximum capacity mother daughter chitchat. The youngest child is strategically placed in the captain chair, next to Grandma, for easy access to the senior “board book reader,” “sippy cup picker upper,” and “misplaced binki finder.” Her placement also happens to be directly in front of all older children as “storyteller,” “treat passer outer,” “song leader,” and “travel game enthusiast.” She is also, most importantly, the sender of all messages to the front, parental section of the car and the referee for all battles that erupt because the children are squished in the back of the car, hour after hour. This crowded situation, of course, is the result of bringing Grandma along in the first place. Though this position has its challenges, some Grandmas take to it like a duck to water. I know I do.

This summer I had the unforgettable experience of being the “honored guest” several times with multiple families. Of course, one of the most rewarding aspects of being with children, for me, is learning from what they say. Driving mile after mile through the desert with them might seem like being relegated to the traveling Primary Nursery, but for this grandma it’s like being invited into a greenhouse full of tender new thoughts.

Such seating arrangements on long trips provide opportunities for repentance and forgiveness. Most of us have grown up knowing that one of the four R’s of repentance is “Restitution.” When we repent using the 12 Steps, making restitution does not come until Step 9. If you are new to the steps you may wonder why 12 Steps are suggested when perhaps four steps were adequate in the past. Sometime the 12 Steps are referred to as “baby steps of repentance. One of the most helpful aspects of the 12 Steps in bringing about repentance and change is that each step which requires action, is preceded by a step that asks us to allow God to first prepare our hearts.

Yesterday in an Addiction Recovery Program meeting we were sharing about Step 8, which is to “Make a written list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make restitution to them.” Mind you, this is a step that takes place in the heart and precedes any and all making of amends. In many cases, before we can possibly make restitution for the harm we have done others we have to become willing to forgive others for the harm they have done to us. The Key Principle for Step 8 is forgiveness.

As we went around the circle in the meeting, sharing both the blessings and challenges of taking Step 8, I had a thought generated by a moment experienced while sitting in my Grandma seat in the “Family Greenhouse (Van).” There I sat, minding my own business of course, when suddenly there was a scream from the back seat. There was a little skirmish amongst two of the back seat sardines. As near as I could tell, “someone” hurt Carson and Carson hurt that “someone” back. It was loud enough to reach the front seat without the aid of Grandma. Dad called back, “Carson, did you hurt your brother?”

Carson’s response was, “Ya, but you wanna know what?”
Carson had a story to tell. Relaying the story did not justify his actions or excuse him from the important task of saying he was sorry or trying to make up for hurting his brother. But, before he could be truly feel regret for his part, it was important to Carson to share his view of the situation with his dad.

Before I can honestly make amends for hurts I have caused and the wrongs I have done I have to sincerely forgive those who have hurt me. The heart of forgiveness is a gift I can seek in conversation with God. Sometimes, after I have been convicted of some offence, the first words out of my heart, directed toward my Father are “Ya, but you wanna know what?”

And He does! He wants to hear my side of the story. He knows its part of the process. I tell Him my view; I feel heard; I feel His love and understanding; Then He tells how He sees the picture. I become willing to be instructed about my part, my wrong; I feel genuinely sorry and willing to seek direction and courage to actually make amends.

I know that true repentance has to be about my sorrow for sin. Justification has no part in making Step 9 amends. But when my heart is full of hurt and my eyes are full of hot tears of anger and regret I am so grateful for a Heavenly Dad who will nod His head in the affirmative when I say, “Ya, but do you wanna know what?!?!?

By Nannette W.
Posted Thursday, November 13, 2008

“You’ve Got To Be Kidding Me!” – Carrying the Message To Our Children – Step 12

November 11, 2008 by Nannette Wiggins 1 Comment

My high school grade point average was attacked my tenth grade year by a disastrous experience with Geometry. I spent the summer retaking it, hoping to make up for some of the damage done. The retake helped, but not a lot. Mostly it allowed me to move on. I home schooled my five children through the eighth grade and helped and encouraged them through graduation. Twelve years of math multiplied by five kids was a lot of numbers for this mom. My personal struggle with the subject gave me compassion and patience. Gratefully math education doesn’t start with Geometry! Year after year I encouraged them, repeating over and over the words my dad had repeated over and over to me. “Math is fun. It’s a game!” “Read the instruction; do as many problems as you can; then come work with me until everything is correct and corrected.” That was the process. Chapter after chapter we worked through each years work, one day at a time. Then from ninth through twelfth grade and beyond my children received math instruction from public school mathematicians. I took off my instructor hat and simply encouraged them.

Not wanting them to use me for any kind of excuse to fail, I kept my dismal experience with Geometry to myself. I must admit that when they were each studying the subject, I did a lot more encouraging and praying than assisting. In the spring of her ninth grade year one of my daughters announced that in connection with graduation she and her parents were supposed to attend the school honor night. It was one of those nights that go on and on. We sat and listened and applauded while what seemed like hundreds of awards were given for this and that. It was hot in the auditorium. I was so sleepy, and there seemed to be no end in site.

Then the moment came that made this one of the most remarkable nights of my life. Really! I was jolted nearly out of my seat as I heard my daughter’s name being read as none other than, “The Outstanding Geometry Student of the Year.” Under any other circumstance my response would have been and has been, “That’s my girl!” But Geometry? Outstanding? Student of the Year? Honestly, my great impulse was to stand up and say, “You’ve got to be kidding me! This can’t possible by my child!” But this was not about me. This was about my daughter who turned out to be a mathematical improvement on her mother.

So often I hear the worry in the voices of those of us who are parents and have struggled with mortality. We have experienced everything from “bad habits” to “debilitating and deadly addictions.” We have suffered sometimes quietly alone and sometimes very public humiliation. Our great wish is to somehow avoid passing our bad experiences and the poor way we dealt with life in the past on to our kids. That’s my hope and I am hopeful. I don’t want to live in fear that my imperfections will reach out and somehow grab and bind my children.

I choose to believe that my best invitation for my children to be an improvement on their mother is to have a daily relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, to apply Gospel principles and to continually grow through the Atonement. If I recover in the open, in front of them, there will be other moments, more important than ninth grade honor night, when I will look at them in wonder and in gratitude and think, “You’ve got to be kidding me!”

By Nannette W.
Posted Tuesday, November 11 2008